The Total Tool

I am convinced that there is a place where douchebags are born and raised (and after seeing "Jersey Shore," it's quite possible I know the exact geographic location...). They are eventually sent away to college and, at the right moment, with a flip of a switch, their dbag homing device is activated and they move to my city. They flock to other dbags in little dbag packs all over the greater metro area. Today while channel surfing, I ran into a fabulous new trashy show to watch: "Is She Really Going Out with Him?" At least I don't *usually* allow my dbags to hang around for more than a date or two... but thats not the point! To quote the show's intro:

"It's a global plague. The greased muscles, the spikey hair, the orange tan, the Total Tool. What forces bring sweet, innocent cupcakes into the land of the ass-grabbing assclowns..."

And no, I don't know the man at the top of this page. However, the combination of neon orange tan + greased hair + strangely dewy complexion can mean only one thing: DBAG.

Pink shirt, pink phone, beaver ring.

WOW. I arrived for my date to find this dbag clad in a pink shirt with matching pink and Mother of Pearl cuff links. These nicely accentuated his pink cell phone and giant gold ring with an engraved beaver on it. Yes, you read it correctly...LARGE GOLD BEAVER ring.* Anyway, after randomly changing our date plans last minute and saying that he should have gone to see a hockey game instead of meeting up with me, he did one of the most shocking things I have seen on a date. Annoyed after a man hit a tree with the top of his umbrella, and giving this man a "verbal warning," Dbag took the umbrella and threw it in the street. REALLY. He appeared surprised when I had a horrified look on my face and broke the silence with, "What? I gave him a warning." Ah, vigilante justice. Things didn't get any better when, over our very quick meal, Dbag asked me to guess how much he was worth an hour, in bed. How does he know this? Apparently he has been paid for sex. Needless to say, I do not hope to hear from him again.


* Yes, I know that beavers are cute and friendly-looking animals. And yes, I know that Roots, Canada, and even MIT use it as their symbol; however, this was not that kind of mascot beaver.

Beaver ring? Maybe I need my own beaver bling: