Blue Balls

Yesterday, I get a text from LawBag (lawyer + dbag). I have been emailing/chatting/texting with this man for the past month and he has yet to speak to me on the phone/meet up with me. He bailed like a GIANT P on our last date so I didn't expect to hear from him again. However, I did... and after listening to his explanation that he was in the middle of a move, I decided to give him a second chance. That was the wrong decision. The following is a summary of the text messages we exchanged yesterday. Please note that things I should have said/thought are in italics.

LawBag: Hey, I'm going to be in your general area tonight. Want to get together?

Me: Okay, sure. I'll be around later. How about a drink around 8? I'm sure we can find a bar near the metro.

LawBag: As much as I enjoy our conversations, I get the feeling that you might be "high maintenance and string a guy along." That's fine, I am not looking for a one night stand, but I'm not looking for blue balls for weeks either. You know? Maybe we should wait on meeting up?

Me: Whoa. What are you talking about you giganormous and offensive tool? How is meeting up for one drink tonight going to result in blue balls for weeks I mean, I'm hot but I'm not that hot? Additionally, how would waiting to meet up remedy this situation?

LawBag: "Just a feeling I've got. That's all."

Me: "Your feeling is what? That I don't put out on the first date?" Not for men who require a guarantee of it up front, choad.

LawBag: "Yes. And that even before/when you do- you make a guy jump through lots of hoops..."

Me: Wow. You are incorrect about making men jump through hoops although now you are making me rethink that plan. And thanks for being offensive. I have a feeling too and my feeling is that you are a GIANT P piece of crap too chicken to meet me so instead you are making up crap without even knowing me. You dipshit, mofo.

LawBag: "I didn't mean to offend. I apologize. And a little chicken maybe :)."


So, it sounds like LawBag only wanted to go out with me if I was willing to assure him he was going to get laid. That's classy. Well, LawBag, I hope you contract herpes and crabs from your dating habits. And end up with EPIC blue balls. EPIC.

The Total Tool

I am convinced that there is a place where douchebags are born and raised (and after seeing "Jersey Shore," it's quite possible I know the exact geographic location...). They are eventually sent away to college and, at the right moment, with a flip of a switch, their dbag homing device is activated and they move to my city. They flock to other dbags in little dbag packs all over the greater metro area. Today while channel surfing, I ran into a fabulous new trashy show to watch: "Is She Really Going Out with Him?" At least I don't *usually* allow my dbags to hang around for more than a date or two... but thats not the point! To quote the show's intro:

"It's a global plague. The greased muscles, the spikey hair, the orange tan, the Total Tool. What forces bring sweet, innocent cupcakes into the land of the ass-grabbing assclowns..."

And no, I don't know the man at the top of this page. However, the combination of neon orange tan + greased hair + strangely dewy complexion can mean only one thing: DBAG.