Blue Balls

Yesterday, I get a text from LawBag (lawyer + dbag). I have been emailing/chatting/texting with this man for the past month and he has yet to speak to me on the phone/meet up with me. He bailed like a GIANT P on our last date so I didn't expect to hear from him again. However, I did... and after listening to his explanation that he was in the middle of a move, I decided to give him a second chance. That was the wrong decision. The following is a summary of the text messages we exchanged yesterday. Please note that things I should have said/thought are in italics.

LawBag: Hey, I'm going to be in your general area tonight. Want to get together?

Me: Okay, sure. I'll be around later. How about a drink around 8? I'm sure we can find a bar near the metro.

LawBag: As much as I enjoy our conversations, I get the feeling that you might be "high maintenance and string a guy along." That's fine, I am not looking for a one night stand, but I'm not looking for blue balls for weeks either. You know? Maybe we should wait on meeting up?

Me: Whoa. What are you talking about you giganormous and offensive tool? How is meeting up for one drink tonight going to result in blue balls for weeks I mean, I'm hot but I'm not that hot? Additionally, how would waiting to meet up remedy this situation?

LawBag: "Just a feeling I've got. That's all."

Me: "Your feeling is what? That I don't put out on the first date?" Not for men who require a guarantee of it up front, choad.

LawBag: "Yes. And that even before/when you do- you make a guy jump through lots of hoops..."

Me: Wow. You are incorrect about making men jump through hoops although now you are making me rethink that plan. And thanks for being offensive. I have a feeling too and my feeling is that you are a GIANT P piece of crap too chicken to meet me so instead you are making up crap without even knowing me. You dipshit, mofo.

LawBag: "I didn't mean to offend. I apologize. And a little chicken maybe :)."


So, it sounds like LawBag only wanted to go out with me if I was willing to assure him he was going to get laid. That's classy. Well, LawBag, I hope you contract herpes and crabs from your dating habits. And end up with EPIC blue balls. EPIC.