This just in.

Remember that guy who liked BDSM and called me "little girl?" Yeah, well, someone found his brother's ad and posted it on failblog.com.

Blue Balls

Yesterday, I get a text from LawBag (lawyer + dbag). I have been emailing/chatting/texting with this man for the past month and he has yet to speak to me on the phone/meet up with me. He bailed like a GIANT P on our last date so I didn't expect to hear from him again. However, I did... and after listening to his explanation that he was in the middle of a move, I decided to give him a second chance. That was the wrong decision. The following is a summary of the text messages we exchanged yesterday. Please note that things I should have said/thought are in italics.

LawBag: Hey, I'm going to be in your general area tonight. Want to get together?

Me: Okay, sure. I'll be around later. How about a drink around 8? I'm sure we can find a bar near the metro.

LawBag: As much as I enjoy our conversations, I get the feeling that you might be "high maintenance and string a guy along." That's fine, I am not looking for a one night stand, but I'm not looking for blue balls for weeks either. You know? Maybe we should wait on meeting up?

Me: Whoa. What are you talking about you giganormous and offensive tool? How is meeting up for one drink tonight going to result in blue balls for weeks I mean, I'm hot but I'm not that hot? Additionally, how would waiting to meet up remedy this situation?

LawBag: "Just a feeling I've got. That's all."

Me: "Your feeling is what? That I don't put out on the first date?" Not for men who require a guarantee of it up front, choad.

LawBag: "Yes. And that even before/when you do- you make a guy jump through lots of hoops..."

Me: Wow. You are incorrect about making men jump through hoops although now you are making me rethink that plan. And thanks for being offensive. I have a feeling too and my feeling is that you are a GIANT P piece of crap too chicken to meet me so instead you are making up crap without even knowing me. You dipshit, mofo.

LawBag: "I didn't mean to offend. I apologize. And a little chicken maybe :)."


So, it sounds like LawBag only wanted to go out with me if I was willing to assure him he was going to get laid. That's classy. Well, LawBag, I hope you contract herpes and crabs from your dating habits. And end up with EPIC blue balls. EPIC.

Whaaa?

I received an email the other day from a very *special* man with a very *special* profile. In his one line email, he referred to me as a "little girl." I was less than impressed and clicked on his profile in order to block him from future communication. Do you know what it says?!!? I do.

Not only does he profess a love for BDSM right next to the section that says he has a child, but he elaborates on his fetish... "I'm pretty sick" and reports that he's going to hell for his "loose morals." Wow. Did you know that the more a girl submits, the more he likes her? HAWT.

Now, I do not judge people for most bedroom fetishes and fantasies (with the exception of furries and anything involving excrement, because those are funky). However, I do think that you shouldn't announce how twisted you are on a dating profile, especially if you have children who are potentially old enough to find your dating profile. I'm just sayin'... kids don't want to know that their dads like to dominate women in their spare time.

The Total Tool

I am convinced that there is a place where douchebags are born and raised (and after seeing "Jersey Shore," it's quite possible I know the exact geographic location...). They are eventually sent away to college and, at the right moment, with a flip of a switch, their dbag homing device is activated and they move to my city. They flock to other dbags in little dbag packs all over the greater metro area. Today while channel surfing, I ran into a fabulous new trashy show to watch: "Is She Really Going Out with Him?" At least I don't *usually* allow my dbags to hang around for more than a date or two... but thats not the point! To quote the show's intro:

"It's a global plague. The greased muscles, the spikey hair, the orange tan, the Total Tool. What forces bring sweet, innocent cupcakes into the land of the ass-grabbing assclowns..."

And no, I don't know the man at the top of this page. However, the combination of neon orange tan + greased hair + strangely dewy complexion can mean only one thing: DBAG.

Pink shirt, pink phone, beaver ring.

WOW. I arrived for my date to find this dbag clad in a pink shirt with matching pink and Mother of Pearl cuff links. These nicely accentuated his pink cell phone and giant gold ring with an engraved beaver on it. Yes, you read it correctly...LARGE GOLD BEAVER ring.* Anyway, after randomly changing our date plans last minute and saying that he should have gone to see a hockey game instead of meeting up with me, he did one of the most shocking things I have seen on a date. Annoyed after a man hit a tree with the top of his umbrella, and giving this man a "verbal warning," Dbag took the umbrella and threw it in the street. REALLY. He appeared surprised when I had a horrified look on my face and broke the silence with, "What? I gave him a warning." Ah, vigilante justice. Things didn't get any better when, over our very quick meal, Dbag asked me to guess how much he was worth an hour, in bed. How does he know this? Apparently he has been paid for sex. Needless to say, I do not hope to hear from him again.


* Yes, I know that beavers are cute and friendly-looking animals. And yes, I know that Roots, Canada, and even MIT use it as their symbol; however, this was not that kind of mascot beaver.

Beaver ring? Maybe I need my own beaver bling:

Just say "no" to dating married men

I have been talking online to this man for months now and every time I want to meet, he gives me some dumb yet fairly well thought out reason why this is not possible. And today, magically on his FB page, his relationship status is listed as "married." When I call and ask about it, he doesn't answer. He does, however, call me back when he is driving somewhere to tell me that it's just a joke between he and his 37-year-old male friend. Riiiiiight. Because nothing turns the ladies on like fake gay marriage. Hmph.

VD V-Day

Hello Everyone!

It's Valentine's Day. The day when I get to remember that nobody in the entire world wants to be with me. How lovely!

Hope yours is fun and STD-free! Don't be a fool, wrap that tool.

Update on Decent Date 1/18/2010

Remember how I thought he was obsessed with his ex? Turns out, I was right. Today, I got this VERY VERY long text message (wasted three!!!) explaining that I am pleasant but he realized he just wasn't ready to date yet. I knew that! Actually, I am glad he realized that too and let me know. This one is not a dbag.

Bisexual Dbag?

So, I decided to meet with this seemly witty and amusing future reverend from the online site. I walked into the coffee shop and scanned the room. I eventually find him sitting at a corner table, already with his drink, listening to his iPod. He was very pleasant and the introduction went well... until he told me he was just listening to the whole Kesha album which he had downloaded earlier today. It didn't really get better when he began to quote several MTV reality shows. About an hour into the meet up, he tells me he's bisexual (like I didn't see that coming) and that he no longer puts that online because it scares women away. When I asked why that scared women off, he told me it is because there is too much competition for a bisexual man's affections. Really?! I might disagree; however, I assume not much hurts more than being left by your boyfriend for another women... except maybe for being left for another man.

Decent!

I decided to meet up with a man who I have been chatting with online for about a month. We met for dinner. Overall, I think we had a decent time. I was not blown away, and fear he is still in love with his ex, but I would be willing to go out again to see how it goes. I hope to hear from him!!! Should I contact him first or make him come to me?